


Team Enrichment: Operation Zoo Your Boss

by Wayward_Dragon



Series: How To Zoo Your Boss [2]
Category: Dino Squad
Genre: Choose Your Own Ending, Crack Treated Seriously, Dinosaurs, Interspecies Relationship(s), Interspecies Sex, M/M, Multiple Endings, POV Second Person, Raptor Dating Simulator, Science Crimes, Vore, playing fast and loose with canon, punch-clock villainy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 07:54:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23967952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wayward_Dragon/pseuds/Wayward_Dragon
Summary: Continuation of 'New Guy'You are in love with your boss.Its just your boss is a magic velociraptor supervillain.
Relationships: Victor Veloci & Original Male Character(s), Victor Veloci/Original Male Character(s)
Series: How To Zoo Your Boss [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1727980
Comments: 13
Kudos: 22





	1. It begins

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't read New Guy, read it first or this wont make sense.
> 
> I am playing VERY fast and loose with canon because canon plays fast and loose with reality.
> 
> There will be multiple endings, because I couldn't decide which one I liked best.

You love your job.

Ok, well that's a lie. You are _fine_ with your job, your coworkers are wonderful- you can be out at work and not get fired or harassed, the work isn't too backbreaking- if violating at least three laws at any given time, but what you are really here for is your boss.

Look... When you took the job you were entranced by the CEO, _Mr. Veloci_.

His expensive, crisp, tailored suit, his long, beautiful hair, his stern expression. The fact that it wasn't just hopeful feelings pinging your gaydar.

Then he turned into an apex predator of a lizard and you got a fear boner and the rest is history.

Your coworker corrects you, "Actually, real velociaptors are more closely related to birds."

Your coworker needs to look at his wonderful visage again. The glint of sun on his thick, glossy scales, the powerful tail _clearly_ featherless.

"Real velociraptors are like a foot tall," says your other coworker, "So its not like he's the one being scientifically inaccurate, you know."

Your coworkers don't quite understand the appeal of such a glorious man, the sharp teeth and claws, the primal roar he makes sometimes that sends _chills_ down your spine-

Its fine, that mean you don't have any competition.

The sector manager sighs, "Its feeding time again," and gets up, resignation written all over his face as he shoves the helmet back on.

You try not be be jealous of such an honor, to provide sustenance to such a awe-inspiring beast of a man. To gaze upon his form as he engages in carnal delights. To see him trail his fingers across a keyboard, to see him make pleased little chuffing noises as he sinks his teeth into a piece of meat- hm this suit really doesn't hide anything, does it?  
Look... You had a thing for businessmen before all of this, alright? Its just... Evolved.

"Would having relations with him count as bestiality," New Guy says.

"No, says your pierced friend, "Because hes clearly sentient, even in dino form, I've seen him access the control panels that way."

"You can train a dog to do that," Reasons another coworker, "So it's not like that proves anything."

"You know at any other job, comparing our boss to a dog would get us all fired," says New Guy.

"At any other job we'd also be fired for any part of this conversation," counters Snakebite.

"Fair," says New Guy, and goes back to his food.

"At this job we'd get eaten instead of fired, though," says a coworker examining his gear.

"I wish," You mumble dreamily.

You want his slippery tongue, his massive, sharp-toothed maw to envelop you, to crush shut and give that little kill-shake, to sink into your soft, _tender_ flesh and make you breathless...

You want him to notice you, _select you_ like choice cattle- Oh you'd put yourself on a silver platter and drizzle pigs blood across your ass just to get him to bite!  
You wouldn't say no to more traditional relations, but you aren't going to set your hopes _that_ high -that's just unrealistic thinking.

* * *

You and the other ~~minions~~ _employees_ just finished having a sector-wide meeting with Mr. Veloci. You are _dearly_ glad for the helmet, because you were flushed so much you would have _died_ if he saw you.

It was something about the rogue dinosaurs and new company goal of 'capture them dammit' being formally added to the list.

You weren't really paying attention to the things he was saying, so much as you were paying attention to to how beautiful he was, there in the flesh, getting so worked up his eyes transformed into those _glowing_ slits.  
You're glad you invested in a uncomfortable, but embarrassment-proof cup.

His voice just... _does things_ to you.

But this time, you noticed something that concerned you more than it made you horny.

You start in on it with New Guy and the Fact-loving lab tech while in the breakroom later.

"So did either of you think he was looking kind of pale?"

New Guy thinks really hard, then replies uncertainly,"Maybe? You think that diet of just steak and veal cuts is getting to him? Or the stress?"

You would happily solve both of those problems, if he'd let you.  
Paleofacts sits back in her chair,"I suppose we could ask the managers if they've noticed anything- they have the most contact with him. Don't want to lose our scaly meal ticket."

You nod enthusiastically,"We have to help him! If it comes to needing a more varied diet, I volunteer!"

Without missing a beat, New Guy says, "If you want to be nutritionally healthy, maybe go to the gym?"

Well now you have the motivation to work out that years of New Years Resolutions never gave you.

"You think I should?" You say hopefully.

Paleofacts cleans a smudge off her helmet, "Nobody needs to be eaten if the fix is just varying his diet and giving him some better activities."

You try not to feel disappointed about that.

New Guy then says, "What about sun lamps? I know a lot of lizards like to bask in the sun?"

"Oh!" You say, "I could get him a sun lamp!"

And it would be a perfect segway into striking up a conversation and then! Then! Maybe you could say something witty enough for friendship or possibly _romance_?  
"Lets not get ahead of ourselves," Paleofacts cuts in, "Lets just ask the managers about his health and see where that gets us, alright?"

* * *

You and your two compatriots managed to find and question six managers, who all generally agreed that he seemed more restless than usual, and that he indeed was seeming to only eat prime cut steaks.  
It was the last two managers you _really_ struck gold on.

This sectors' Lab Manager got a kind of feverish look in his eyes as he set into his rant when the New Guy asked him, "-And it's so concerning! Hes thoroughly unique and we don't even know what he needs! I've assembled evidence and pictures from as far back as 1923 that he probably hasn't aged, what is his species' life cycle like? Hes _our boss_ and beyond scientifically important! I have tried talking to him about his needs and I get dismissed! I'm _so glad other people seem to agree!_ Its our duty as scientists AND as his loyal employees to make sure he is taken care of!"

New Guy has a look on his face like hes never actually encountered someone with that kind of company loyalty before and isn't sure how well he likes it.  
Well, if it were any other boss, you'd agree- but Veloci _really does_ deserve your loyalty.

Paleofacts cuts in while the LabLord pants for breath, "We absolutely agree. We have been thinking about varying his diet and trying to get him some stress relief- perhaps some basking lights."

LabLord nods vigorously, "Good! Have you talked to his personal secretary or the manager of the observation sector yet?"

New Guy replies, "Not yet, we're going there next."

LabLord straightens his lab coat, which was thrown over his suit seemingly just for the aesthetic, "I'll go with you, that way you'll have authorization- let me just finish up here."

_Oh, its all coming together!_ You are absolutely giddy that you have identified a problem and can _do something about it!_

On the way, New Guy speaks up, "I'm sorry, did you say you had evidence Mr Veloci is _possibly immortal_?"

Lablord rubs his hands together, "Yes! He uses the same name and looks exactly the same in several pictures ive found! Its even possible he really was alive in the age of the dinosaurs!"

Even _sexier_ , you think.

New Guy looks like the revelation was maybe a bit much.  
Paleofacts asserts that she wants to see the evidence later. You kind of want to see it too, but probably for a different reason.

The Observation Manager is a swell guy. Except for the fact that hes kind of a stalker. You really don't mind AT ALL that he has an extremely thick file folder in his drawer detailing his observations about your majestic reptilian love, but you mind a non-zero amount that he has looked into all of the rest of you that much.

"Yeah, I've been expecting you," he says, "I have all the files you folks need!"

"Are you willing to join us in our endeavors?" LabLord asks the Stalkerboss.

"Sure," Stalkerboss says with a lazy grin, "This is all wicked interestin' and I could use the entertainment."  
Stalkerboss waves you off with a promise to swing by 'whenever' and hands Lablord a flash drive with a copy of his abridged notes.

The secretary breathes a sigh of relief when you explain the situation and signed onto your little conspiracy group without any resistance whatsoever.

"He LIVES in that office, it's driving me _spare_! He's like a dog that barks and scratches at the window with single-minded drive whenever a person walks by! He just _can't_ disengage from this and its hurting the company with his kneejerk decisions! Whatever your plan is, I'm willing to try it."

The revelation that it really _was_ that bad scared you a little- you can't NOT do something now! You have inspiration! Courage! And overwhelming hornyness for your immortal raptorboss!  
Team Enrichment is a go!


	2. Office Chickens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens.

Your group has its first meeting in a glorified storage closet. Its a nice storage closet- its very roomy and it even has places to sit- but well. _Storage closet._  
The six of you huddled in that room debating for about an hour before deciding that experimentally changing the lightbulbs in the entire facility into UV bulbs would be way too costly for something that might not even help, and decided just doing his office with appropriate lighting would be best.  
The problem came with. You know...  
Actually doing it.  
Veloci's secretary crosses her legs, "Well, it would be easy enough to buy replacement lights and fold it into the budget, _technically_ its maintenance. That would be step one, then maybe we work on his diet?"  
You wish you were a part of his diet.  
The rest of you make agreeable noises. Yours sounds maybe a little too dreamy.  
The secretary clicks her pen and starts making notes as she talks, "After we work on his diet, we should try to get him something to focus on that... Isn't the rogue dinosaurs. Its just not healthy. Maybe try to get him to socialize more."  
"Does he even socialize _at all_?" New Guy asks.  
All of you take a moment to think about it.

Stalkerboss finally speaks up, "Not really. Sometimes he gets invited to business parties, and he leaves in like twenty minutes."  
Paleofacts cuts in, "Assuming his species benefits from social behavior. He isn't _quite_ a velociraptor. We dont know _what_ he is."  
LabLord reasons, "Well, we just have to use the scientific method, then!"  
Lablord turns to Stalkerboss, " _You_ can log his general state of being and see if there is changes -positive or negative- whenever we try something."  
Stalkerboss raises an eyebrow, "What makes you think I'll do that?"  
LabLord smirks, " _As if_ you'll pass up an excuse to invade someone interesting's privacy."  
Stalkerboss leans back, "You got me there."  
New Guy then says, "So who's going to put all the lightbulbs in?"  
Before your brain catches up to your mouth, you say, "I volunteer."  
Ah.

You just said you'd go into His rooms and change all his lightbulbs whether He likes it or not.  
Maybe you _will_ get eaten after all.  
"That settles it then," The Secretary says, "I can order the bulbs and have them here by the end of the week."  
You are filled with equal parts excitement and dread for Friday.  
Hope you don't screw this up.

* * *

You have a cart-full of lightbulbs.  
They are... Larger than you thought they'd be- you kind of worry about fitting them in some of the light fixtures. You also have a fold-up ladder.  
The secretary grabs you by the shoulders and fixes you with an intent look before you go up the hallway to his office, "Remember, act like you belong."  
And well, if you get injured or eaten in the line of duty, it was for a good cause- and you wouldn't really complain about the eating part.  
You shove your helmet back on and go to enter the lair of the beast.  
You knock on the door first, _Act like you belong_ , she said. _Oh nooo, you have to say something cool you have to-_  
"Enter."

You push open the door and shove the cart through in a jerky-stress fueled movement.  
 _Oh no, hes sitting at his desk hes right there say something-_

"I have to change the light bulbs!" You blurt out, maybe a little louder than necessary.  
He raises a beautiful, _striking_ eyebrow. Your suit is so sweaty some is dripping down your nose and you can't even scratch it.  
"Sir," You add belatedly at the end.

He looks at you for a long moment, his gaze is piercing and intimidating and you are frozen like a deer in headlights- staring into his eyes and way too horny and entranced to even _dream_ of looking away.  
Finally he leans back and turns away, waving his hand around, "Well, get on with it."  
Relief surges through you, and you sag with it before hurrying to comply.

You get a few of the regular lights installed -the weird glow strips you aren't going to touch- unspeakably grateful the boxes the lights come in were void of marketing logos.  
It's weird, you think as you get on your hands and knees to search for a screw that dropped on the floor, just a few days ago, you never would have imagined you'd be _alone_ in a room with the _one and only Victor Veloci_. If you think about it too long you are going to hyperventilate.  
Feeling the weight of a gaze on you, you chance a casual look over to the man Himself.  
He's staring at you _oh god-_

You turn back around maybe too quickly and take perhaps longer than necessary to pick up the screw.  
The fact that he is perfectly silent is whats weirding you out more than anything. He isn't typing, isn't doing a call, isn't monologuing to himself like The Secretary claims he does sometimes. Is he reading something? Is he just... Watching you?  
You've wanted his attention for so long you don't even know what to _do_ with it now that you have it!  
The lights in the light fixtures were a tight fit, but they work, so everything is _just fine_.  
You go click the switches to test them, and yes! They do work. A bit brighter than normal lights, but they work!  
Though why most of the lights were off when you came in is a mystery.  
You sneak a glance at Veloci, hes looking up at the lights with narrowed eyes.

"Well," You say, slightly strangled. His gaze locks onto you like a homing beacon, "That's this room done. Thank you, sir. Off to the next place!"

You laugh a little and try not to look like you're hurrying out. This is so awkward you could _die_ and not in the sexy way.  
His gaze follows you as you leave, struggling to push the cart out the door before the door swings shut.  
The Secretary makes an inquisitive noise as you pass, and you give her a shaky thumbs up.  
You're going to go laugh-cry in the bathroom now.

* * *

New Guy finds you in the bathroom, "You good?" He asks.

 _"I don't know!"_ , You whine from the floor.

New Guy shuffles his feet, "Did it work alright?"

"All the lightbulbs are in," You say.

New Guy waits.  
You cave.

"Im _SURE_ I embarrassed myself irreparably, all he did was _STARE_ at me the whole time!"  
New Guy looks like he wants to pat you on the back but also doesn't want to scooch down on the floor next to the urinals.  
He starts talking, "Well... On the bright side he _did_ watch you for a solid hour. Did he say anything about the lights?"

You think back, "No, he just stared at them too."

New Guy plays with the strap of his helmet, "Did he tell you to leave?"

"No..."

New Guy forces some cheer into his tone, "Well then, you still have a chance!"

New Guy was probably talking about not getting put on the shitlist, but it makes your heart flutter with the other implications.

"Yeah," you say dreamily as you take New Guy's hand to stand up, "Yeah I _do_."  
  
  
A week passes and the lot of you return to your storage closet. The Secretary and Stalkerboss proclaim he does seem to be more energetic with proper lighting, a little less pale, so it looks like a win. Is this what pride feels like? Who cares if you behaved like an embarrassment in front of your crush for a solid hour! You have forcibly improved his life!

* * *

You stand in the elevator holding a box. Yet again, you are the sacrificial lamb to the altar of Veloci, and you love it and dread it in equal measure.

See, you had been chosen by your little group to bring the non-ordered, potentially better food to Veloci, as you had done _so well last time_.  
You get to see him, feed him, let him see you, _oh_ it makes your knees weak.  
A guy gets into the elevator and waves at you, you shift and nod. The box clucks ominously.

It does the guy great credit that he doesn’t do a double take or ask why you are bringing a box with chickens in it into an office.  
Soon. You get to the threshold, The Secretary nods professionally when you put the box on the counter for a break. It clucks again.  
God your hands are so sweaty.  
When you get to the office, you notice the door is ajar. You knock quietly, but no answer. Hm. You walk in, the room is better lit than before. Your handiwork.

You look around. Still nothing. Maybe hes in one of the siderooms? Or the bathroom? He has to go sometime, you suppose.  
You carefully walk towards the center of the room and set the box down maybe a bit abruptly. The box squawks loudly. There is a noise and you freeze.

Then out walks Veloci, in all his fully reptilian glory from a side room and claws clacking on the floor.  
You look at him. He stares at you. You flick your gaze to the box. He looks at the box.  
Neither of you move.  
Oh, fuck it.

“Food delivery,” You say, and with the courage of one who has no fucks left to give, you open the box and tip it on its side.  
Five medium-sized chickens dart out.

Wow. You didn’t think the box would have held that many.

His head sharply darts upward in surprise at the feathery invaders and then he twists and snaps one up in his jaws with a _crunch_.

You wish he would do that to you, put you out of your misery and into his hot, _slimy_ maw.

He growls and its such an impressive sound, you might’ve whimpered.

His gaze returns to you and you remember you _just released chickens into your boss’ office._

_Ah._

You swallow. You try to think of something to say and blurt out, “Sorry for intruding, the door was unlocked.”  
He drops the chicken carcass and takes a step forward.  
Your knees feel weak, _oh god_. _  
_

  
> Run.  
> Don’t run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger, Now we get to the part where I say this has multiple endings!  
> Check the upcoming chapters for if they are offshoots or the true continuation!  
> This fic remains deeply cursed and very fun to write.


	3. BAD END 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is one of two bad ends, this is the non-horny one.  
> The chapter after this is what you need to read to continue the timeline.
> 
> WARNINGS FOR: Character death, guy getting eaten, suicidal idealization(??)

**> Run.**

Oh, that's bad. If he’s going to kill you, you want a head start to run!

As much as being eaten by him turns you on, you ALSO would like to keep breathing.

You turn tail and run to the side, because there is no way you’re getting that door back open fast enough with this short of a distance between you.

He growls that little warbling growl and chases, you twist behind the desk and he slides on the laminate, claws scrabbling and tail lashing and knocking over a wastebasket. You dart into where he came from, which was _deeply stupid_ , but at this point all choices are stupid.

He makes a hissing noise and you _do not_ look back to check how screwed you are. The rooms attached to his office, you are surprised to note, seem to be living quarters. But like. Dinosaur-flavored living quarters. There's doorways that you assume go to a private bathroom and a bedroom, a whole bunch of computer-ey nonsense where you are, and a large couch in front of the tinted windows overlooking a nice view of the area.

You don’t have time to marvel at this because there is a large irate predator on your heels and you just invaded his territory.

The worst part about all of this, is that the adrenaline has NOT curbed your boner _AT ALL_. With a bit of internal flailing, you choose to run around the computer terminals.

This proves to be a bad decision, with a hiss, Veloci jumps and largely clears the computers- tail knocking over a monitor- and lands on you.

His weight is _crushing_ , his claws are sharp, at least one rib is absolutely broken. Your suit is torn where his hind claws have dug into you.

It is everything you want and _don’t_ want, and you laugh as he snarls victoriously.

If when his teeth crunch through your neck and _shake_ , you have the ghost of a smile on your face, no one has to know.

* * *

You are the Secretary. You are probably the most powerful person in the whole company, because Veloci doesn't care enough about what you do so long as you get results and has given you blanket permission to do whatever. You have several personal credit cards of his for godsake! You couldn't believe it when he just... _Handed_ them to you, either!

You just wanted to sit at a desk and do paperwork. Its almost like a normal job.

Granted- you like your raptorboss, but its like having a cat, except so much _worse_.

You love cats, but... Much like a cat with improper husbandry, this improperly zooed raptor has left a mess of gore across the floor of his quarters, according to the Janitor.

You had figured as much when the sacrifice -sorry- _the recruit who's into Vore and a part of your Raptor Enrichment Taskforce_ didn’t return.

You sigh when the Janitor reports the grizzly findings.

Well, at least he at something other than prime steaks today.

They will have to reexamine their approach through- the progress they have gained has probably been stymied by this incident. _Dammit_.


	4. CONTINUE  -->

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the continuation chapter.  
> its also a lot of padding and connection bits.

**> Don’t run.**

You hold your ground. You remember predators chase things that run and no matter how sexy that would be you _do_ actually want to keep breathing.

You square your shoulders and you maintain eye contact.

With the most level tone you can manage, you say, “Dinner is Delaware Hens, enjoy.”

Its not that you have the balls to say this to his face, its that your nerves are so shot your brain-to-mouth filter isn’t quite as ironclad as it should be.

He stares at you for a good long few seconds. You feel the sweat slide down the side of your face, and then finally, finally, he hwuffs and pivots abruptly, taking a few quick steps to the chicken trying to cower behind his desk and snapping it up as its squawks cut off sharply.

You droop a little in relief and finally take a step back.

“Well,” you say, and he snaps his gaze back to you, “I have to check back in, so enjoy your meal!”

You control your speed of leaving enough to make it look casual, pick up the discarded box, and shut the door behind you.

 _God_ , you just about pissed yourself with how stressful that was.

As you walk by the Secretary she looks over at you. You give her an enthusiastic thumbs up at her questioning look. If she notices your legs shaking, she doesn’t comment, but she does smile.

And you won’t be getting fired for this, either, because you would have been eaten if he wanted you gone. Probably.

The next day you discover from her that Veloci had _specifically_ requested you to procure more chickens. She is quite enthusiastic about this progress.

You aren’t sure if what you are feeling is joy or fear, but you dial up your chicken seller anyway. Its for Veloci, and you will deal with as many chickens as his heart desires.

* * *

You been doing this for a couple weeks, and its a truly amazing job. You get to see Veloci _at least_ twice a week!

He’s hard to read and you are probably just being hopeful, but you like to think that you are bonding with him.

Team Enrichment has met a few more times, but at this most recent meeting it was brought up that he probably should be getting exercise.

“I mean, he just sits up there in his office most of the time,” New Guy says, “He leaves for missions, but he should have more things to do.”

New Guy has gotten really passionate about Veloci. You approve.

“It can’t be healthy,” He continues, “Not for a predator that's supposed to chase things.”

“I mean, he’s also a human sometimes too,” Paleofacts cuts in, “We can’t forget that.”

New Guy responds, “That just means he should definitely be exercising more.”

“But we can’t just… Dictate his whole life! We can’t just treat this like we’re training a dog. Hes a person too,” Paleofacts gestures with her coffee mug.

StalkerBoss knocks back his coffee, “But can’t we, though? I do it to my interns all the time.”

“What, pavlove them like you would a dog,” Says Lablord.

Stalkerboss sniffs, “Its the scientific way! As a scientist, I thought you would understand-”

“Different kind of science,” cuts in Lablord with the tone of someone who has explained the berth of the term science too many times.

Stalkerboss puffs up, and The Secretary jumps to head the argument off at the bud.

“Returning to the ethics of manipulating our boss into good living habits, what things do we want to take off the table?”

“Blackmail,” New Guy says.

He thinks for a moment, “Probably.”

“Great start,” Paleofacts says flatly.

New Guy huffs, “We might have to blackmail other people to keep him from finding out about this whole thing, is all.”

“Fair,” The Secretary allows, “Anyone else?”

“Murder, most felonies,” Paleofacts says.

“Most?” Stalkerboss says with a smile.

“Don’t poach from my division,” Landlord says sharply.

The Secretary cuts over the impending argument and addresses you, “What about you?”

You blink. And then you think about it before you answer, “Well, I don’t want to… I _can’t_ \- I won’t make him do things that will upset him.”

You wring your hands, “I just… He can hate me because of something I did, if he wants. It’ll hurt, but ill probably survive. But I won’t _force_ him to do anything. No blackmail,” You nod at New Guy, “No traps where he’s forced to do something to get free. No threats.”

The Secretary nods.

“Fair enough.”

“What about traps where he can leave or call someone to resolve the situation, but it would be easier to do the thing?” Paleofacts says, like she is getting an idea.

“I mean,” you say, “Thats fine, probably. What do you have in mind?”

“Well,” she says- perking up, “Cheetahs are often stimulated-”

Stalkerboss mumbles something under his breath that you choose to ignore as she continues over him, “-by having them chase a lure around a track. Now we probably can’t build an elaborate ring inside the building, but we have ATVs, if we find something he’d chase, we could provide incentive for him to stretch his legs and do kind of the same thing.”

“Ok,” says New Guy, “But he’s not going to go for that unless its like _those perfect dinosaurs_ ,” he says this with a faux Veloci intonation, “And we can’t do that.”

No one vocalizes why they can’t. They all know why.

Landlord humms, “Well, its certainly an idea to table for now.”


	5. The Lighthouse Conspiracy [New Guy Interlude]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Guy Interlude- In which The New Guy attracts some attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent a great deal of words shaming dunkin' donuts here. Trust me... back in like 2006 those donuts used to taste like donuts and not like chalk. I couldn't resist.

You are now the New Guy. Honestly this job is FULL batshit. If someone told you this is what you would be doing a few months ago, you would laugh yourself sick. But no, here you are, plotting to force your velociraptor supervillain boss into forming good life habits.

Well, at least you’re employed, you think to yourself as you sit down in the dingy Dunkin’ Donuts with your coffee and plain donut. The donuts here are starting to kinda suck, you think. They have a chalky taste you are pretty sure they didn’t have a few years ago. You’re not sure when that started to transition in, but you know it didn’t _used_ to be that way. The muffins are still ok, but they were out of them by the time you got there.

You grimace and take a large bite of the donut. The scaldingly hot coffee helps wash the gritty chalk texture down. 

You’re an adult. This can be lunch.

Some vaguely familiar looking jock-looking teen flops down at the table next to you and also grimaces at his donut. You voice your opinion out loud, quiet enough so the poor employees don’t hear, “They really don’t taste like they used to huh?”

The teen doesn’t quite jump, but he does seem surprised you said anything to him.

“Uh, yeah. S’ better than the cafeteria food at school, though.”  
“Fair,” you acknowledge.

“Thats… Really the best I can defend this place and I _work_ here,” he says.

You make a agreeing noise, eager for the insider Dunkin’ secrets.

“I mean,” He continues, clearly happy to have a listening audience, “The part-time gig is good and its true I have a messy, bizarre schedule and I uh- _volunteer_ a lot on an emergency basis and i'm lucky management lets me work around that, but that is not enough for me to claim this place doesn’t have horrible food all around.”

You toast your coffee to him, “To dysfunctional jobs.”

He huffs a laugh, “Oh yeah? You too?”

Oh finally, someone to bitch at. You don’t even _care_ that its some weird stranger kid.

“I can’t even legally share most of it but I’ve been working at this job for only a few months and I have _seen some s-_ ”

You cough and remember you are in public talking to a young person.

“You can say shit,” The kid says helpfully, “My coworker doesn’t care. Promise.”

Ok, cool, “I have _seen some shit_. Love them as I do, my coworkers are all so _weird_ , two of the department heads that I interact with a lot have some kind of rivalry thing or they’re married and I _can’t tell which_ , I'm vastly overqualified _and_ underqualified for the work I'm doing at the same time, and I've ended up involved in a company-wide plot to either matchmake my coworker with my boss or get him to take care of himself and I also can’t tell which! And don’t get me _started_ about the dress code!”

You really needed to get that off your chest, wow.

“The coworker or the boss?”

“Hm?”

“That you want to take care of himself?”

You take another swig of shitty coffee, “Boss. Its ludicrous! I shouldn’t care that much but also there are…” You think about the whole dinosaur bullshit again, “Extenuating circumstances around it all and it makes my coworker friend happy so…”

You gesture with the cup and shrug.

The kid makes a sympathetic noise, and you just keep _talking_. The words just _flow_ , now that you’re on a roll.

“Like… The job lets me travel! It has a healthcare plan attached, so that's good, because of my position, its a pretty secure job, I'm actually using my degree, but its just _so wild_. I'm up to my eyes in nondisclosure forms and _unbelievable nonsense_. Its like I'm living a fever dream.”

You finish off your horrible donut, not even tasting it.

“It’s seeped into my non-work life too! When I get home I think about what bullshit thing me and my little conspiracy group are going to do next! I do research I don’t _have_ to do! I thought I lost that drive in Uni! I'm starting to think that it would be genuinely _good_ for my coworker and my boss to date each other. I’ve gotten _invested_!”

You take another sip of coffee and continue, "And if not for them, then for _everyone else_! That man needs distracting- he's so fixated on this one goal, its a little concerning. Maybe if he has someone he'll ease up on it. A man can dream..."

The kid laughs a little, but not meanly. You don’t think you could take meanly right now.

“Wow,” he says as he goes to take a long swig of terrible coffee, “That does sound messy. Where do you even work?”

You slump on the table, “Raptordyne.”

The kid instantly chokes on his drink.

“I know,” you say, “Its so fancy and prestigious, almost up to TI’s level, but here I am.”

The kid wheezes out, “Here you are,” like he doesn’t believe it himself.

You continue, now that you are pretty sure he isn’t dying, “I don’t think anyone has used my name in _weeks_ now, its all ‘New Guy’ this and ‘New Guy’ that. I might forget it at this rate. Oh yeah,” you say, remembering your manners, “I never asked you your name?”

The Kid recovers, still looking poleaxed, “uh, Max.”

“Nice to meet you Max,” you say and decide to take the rest of the coffee to go, now energized from the bitchfest, “I should go now though, good luck with your job!”

The kid blinks rapidly and responds, “oh, thanks, uh- good luck to you too?”

It sounds like a question, but you’ll take it.

As you trot out the door you give him a wave which he returns like he doesn’t know what waving is.

Ah shit, you didn’t introduce yourself with your name again!

_Dammit!_

-

A week later, you get a phone call. You don’t usually pick up the phone if you don’t recognize the number, but you pressed the button by accidental reflex and hanging up would be rude.

“Hello?”

The voice on the other end sounds familiar

“Hello,” You try, “Who is this?”

“This is going to sound weird, but you work for Raptordyne, yeah?”

You regret picking up the phone immediately.

“Who’s asking?”

“Oh, I _knew_ this was stupid,” says the voice on the other end. He sounds young, “Look. Just… If you want to get some information on your… Scaly problem, come to the lighthouse on the point.”

Your pulse quickens, “What? Is this some kind of prank?”

“Look,” The person on the other end says, “Do you want help or not? The offer only stands if you use discretion though.”

It clicks. This is the ‘Rogue terrorist dinosaur cell’. And they are asking you to come alone and not tell your coworkers or boss.

You shouldn’t.

You have nice reliable pay.

You are probably going to get murdered.

Wait…

“ _Are you the kid from the coffee shop?_ ”

You hear a quiet curse on the other end, and hurry to speak before he hangs up, “Can you really help me?”

There is silence for a moment, and then he says, “Yeah, yeah I think we can.”

You get a time out of that fucking _wild_ conversation. Tomorrow at 4 pm. Fair enough. You wonder what dinosaur, what was his name? Martin? Axel? Ah, fuck it, Coffee Shop Kid is. Or if he even _is_ one, assuming you aren’t about to get murdered. But hey, you know what? This is just your life now.

Its a cloudy day, breezy, flirting with the chance of rain. You kind of hope it doesn’t rain, you didn’t bring an umbrella. You are a little nervous, but, you remind yourself, they _hardly ever_ kill or injure anyone, and its usually seemingly by accident at that. This is a public venue, you texted your mom that you were going to visit the lighthouse today, so if you get disappeared, at least they can find your body.

  
  


You see the lighthouse. Its a very stereotypical lighthouse. A little bigger than maybe the average lighthouse, its got some radio antennae and a dish up there, too, but its a normal lighthouse. Its right next to the school building so you hope no one thinks you are creeping on the high school. Really, was there any better place to have a meeting?

You think about the fact that Coffee Shop Kid is like, 19 at absolute best and kill that thought. He probably goes to school here.

Looking around the parking lot, you kind of half expect to have just been pranked, half expect to get stomped to death by some dinosaurs.

But nope.

The door opens and Coffee Shop Kid peers out sheepishly with a wave. You automatically wave back.

Oh, this is so awkward.

You put your hand down as Coffee Shop Kid takes a step outside, “Uh, hi.”

“Hi,” you say back with the same palpable discomfort.

“So,” he says.

“So,” you say.

A muffled “Oh my god, I hate watching this,” comes from inside the lighthouse. 

Sounds like another kid, honestly.

Coffee Shop Kid flicks his gaze to whoever said that and back again, “Do you... Want to come inside?”

You think for about a second. A raindrop falls ominously on the pavement.

“Yeah, alright.”

The door does not lock behind you like you expect. Actually, the base floor is a hallway with a stairwell at the end and a small classroom to your right. You stare into it for a second. There is a ‘reduce-reuse-recycle’ poster on the wall.

In the stairwell is a very metrosexual-looking teen lounging against the rail. He crosses his arms when he catches you looking at him.

The new teen speaks up again, ”So Mr. Evil Minion, you gonna sell us out?”

You reply by reflex, “What happens off the clock isn’t company business.”

You’d almost feel insulted but it really is true. Also it really wasn’t the snappiest thing he could have said, you’ve heard worse from your twelve year old cousin to be honest.

The new teen snorts and trots up the stairs.

Coffee Shop Kid coughs, “Sorry about him…”

You shrug, “Its true though, I’ve accepted my lot in life.”

You really have.

You just got slingshotted through the stages of grief and landed on acceptance in the first 24 hours.

Coffee Shop Kid doesn’t seem to know what to say to that, and gestures to the stairs instead, “My uh- boss is waiting upstairs and has all the information so…”

You go up the stairs, both feeling like you are going too fast and too slow.

This is the first you ever heard of a boss, but you know what?

This might as well happen.

The stairs go to another level, which has stairs down to what you think is probably the garage and a spiral staircase in the middle. There's a whole bunch of stuff in boxes. A red-haired girl is hauling one filled with what looks like parts down the other stairs with a dog at her heels. You don’t want to look like you are gathering information so you glance back to the kid.

“All the way up,” The kid says, so you go up.

Its a very long walk. You aren’t out of shape, but you are puffing by the end. The kid isn’t even close to winded. He probably does this every day.

On the way you pass what looks like server terminals, a living room sort of area, and what looks like a lab before the stairs end.

You are in a room with several large computer terminals and what looks like a radio receiver. There are a few chairs and a table that look about two decades out of date. With her back to you, an older lady stares up at a large projection of a map of the coast.

Coffee Shop Kid speak up, “Uh, I brought him, Ms-”

He cuts himself off, probably because you are there to hear names.

The old lady turns around and responds to him anyway, “Thank you,”

She fixes you with a piercing stare that makes you certain this old lady is Capital D dangerous. After a second she gestures to the chairs, “Would you like a seat?”

You kind of would like to be at home taking a stress nap, actually. But you sit anyways.

She sits too, and Coffee Shop Kid waffles for a moment before joining the both of you.

“I'm sure you are aware we’re taking a risk bringing you here.”

You are. You are also aware Coffee Shop Kid could probably turn you into a pretzel before you could get to your car. You nod.

“Why,” You begin, “Why are you trying to help us? Aren’t you trying to take down Veloci?”

The old woman sighs, “We are. But I would like to believe it is possible to stop him in nonviolent ways. To help him see that this world cannot be the world we remember, and that it is best to live in harmony with it instead.”

For a moment in the dim light, her eyes glow gold like Veloci’s.

You are a veteran at weird shit now. You only twitch a little.

“...The world you remember?” You ask.

She nods.

“Veloci and I… We remember a time when true dinosaurs walked the earth. He is significantly more attached to this lost time than I am- to the point that he is willing to sacrifice the stability of the biosphere to the attempt of recreating it, and he will not succeed.”

So that's a positive for ‘immortal entity in the shape of a human sometimes’ then.

“Do you…” You begin, “Do you think I can convince him not to?”

She tilts her head, it is a gesture you are reminded that predators make when examining something, “I think your goal of seeing to his health is directly related to his impossible goal.”

You can see the logic; make him busy and mentally stable and he wont be fixated on trying to do the impossible.

“So,” You say, “You’ll help us figure out how to er- zookeep him?”

You cringe as you say it. Not the best choice of words to someone who isn’t human. The kid makes a little laugh that transforms into a cough.

She smiles a little, which is a good sign that you didn’t just mortally offend her.

She responds, “Yes, I dare say I will.”

She steeples her fingers and the smile turns a bit more toothy, “As for your other plan…”

Oh.

Oh no. You _did_ say that didn’t you.

Coffee Shop Kid makes a face like hes being terminally embarrassed by his grandma. Maybe he is her grandkid, which is a thought you need to stop having right now before you start thinking about how that would even work genetically.

The old not-woman continues, “Veloci and I were once quite close,”

Did you find his _ex?_

“For centuries, we traveled together, before Veloci became obsessed with his current goal.”

The smile goes full blown shark, “I know that your idea would do him quite some good.”

Coffee Shop Kid looks like hes taking _so much_ psychic damage.

Which to be fair his not-grandma just said ‘I will help your friend seduce my maybe-ex because I think he needs to get laid’.

“If anything,” She continues. “It will certainly be fun to watch the attempt.”

Ok so now its ‘I will help you because its funny’. Which is honestly making you feel better about her motives than ‘because I'm a pacifist’.

Raptor Grandma feels so much safer to be in the same room with when she finally just says its for her own amusement. Now you only need to be funny to not get eaten. You can do funny- your whole life is a joke.

Raptor Grandma procures a folder.

Its a whole bunch of assorted biology notes, neatly color-coded. Honestly its more than you expected to get, and does put some of your fears at ease.

They were doing the right thing. If he stays in human form to eat he has human requirements, and if he stays in raptor form he has raptor requirements- so having him eat varied prey with guts, blood, bones and sinew more regularly _is_ correct. The lights were also a good idea, and Raptor Grandma praised you for helping implement that. 

You shouldn't have the warm-and-fuzzies from that, but you do. You miss your Nana, ok??

When she finishes outlining everything you find you just have to ask-

“Uh- Before I go, if you wouldn't mind answering- what-”

You swallow and scramble to find a way to word this in a way that doesn't make you sound insane, “What are you and him- and I guess the rest of you…”

You trail off and gesture vaguely to illustrate the whole dino-shifter thing, “Are you aliens? Gods?”

Raptor Grandma laughs and replies, “Honestly- I'd like the answer to that myself.”

With that note you find yourself shoved out the door with the folder and an invite to call if ‘something comes up’. Which you take to mean ‘if Veloci is threatening your life or if you decide to quit your job and join our superhero squad’.

You put the number in your cell phone as Lighthouse Conspiracy and burn the paper- just to be safe.

Well.

Now to figure out how to give this to your coworkers without saying ‘So I met the terrorist’s boss whos also an immortal velociraptor-like entity and she gave me her best guess veterinary records because a kid I complained to was actually one of the rogue dinosaurs’.

There goes the rest of your day off, huh?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Guy: So u gonna eat me?  
> Moinahan: No Veloci needs to get laid this is comedy gold please keep me updated  
> New Guy: Also are you gods?  
> Moinahan: LMAO were just Vibing


End file.
